Thanks for such a thought provoking post. I think there is an additional layer to bullying behavior as well—trauma and past stressors.
I haven’t worked in the service industry for a long time, but vividly remember being on the receiving end of bullying behavior from a school mate. While it was true the power dynamic (patron v server, $$ v not even having a pizza to my name) played a role, I quickly realized the behavior was modeled/inherited from his douchebag of a father. The family attempted to make me feel small, threatened my job. Would have been a horrible experience if not for the bong hit before work.
Years later, after this schoolmate and i went to the same college, became friends, and are now constantly in each other’s lives, we discussed his grotesque behavior in his youth. Home life was bad and that was the only way he knew how to deal with people at that stage. It lead to a warped understanding of the world—one where a nonsensical (and nonexistent) power struggle existed.
He’s a good person now and fosters too many puppies.
Thank you so much for sharing this Laurance. I definitely agree past traumas / stressors have a big impact on bullying behavior (esp. how the specific behavior tends to pan out during the event of bullying)! It's so unfortunate your friend had this (real or imagined) threat of 'not being in power' hanging over him - I wonder how/when/where his father inherited this warped sense of the world too. It's great to hear that the cycle doesn't have to continue with him though, and he's been able to move beyond that insecurity to have a big heart (and fill it with dogs, the best animals!!!)
Upon first glance at this on IG, I was thinking of bullying as it pertains to the BOH hierarchy. But I suppose the patrons themselves are those with the ultimate authority. What can be done to equalize the power balance between the server and the one being served? In the hospitality industry building tips into the salary, taking away the authority of the patron to determine how much they think the server deserves.
Bullying is an inevitable part of human nature, and thrives in systems that favor power imbalance and hierarchy. We built these systems to fight the tendency towards chaos and disorder, and without them, society would indeed be chaos. I think within every being is an internal angst, a need to control something. My god, we had no control over our own birth. We didn't elect to live, to suffer, to die. So we control what is within our power to control. None of us elected our own destiny. Making others miserable is a way to deal with our own misery, the true powerlessness of being.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment Hannah! I think the implicit acceptance of bullying in hospitality is something that also needs to be remedied through improved employee training (esp. employee empowerment), better conflict mediation in the workplace, and changing how we market the draw of hospitality beyond "it's a place where I get to be king for a while."
I really agree with your comment about our innate need to feel some sort of control (and responding to that via bullying). In that sense, what do you think we could do about that internal incentive to bully? Improved mental health classes? Free therapy? (Personally, I think therapy has gotten me to recognize a lot of the ugly bullying I've done.)
That’s such a tough question. Bullying is a display of dominance. It may be an internal incentive, as you put it, but it’s a very external reaction. I think the higher up a person is within a hierarchical system, the more likely they are to be a bully. Not just because they have more power, but because they are the ones who naturally assume control over others. (I know this isn’t always the case.) I think the worst bullying likely comes from those who are so blind to their own behavior that no amount of therapy could help them.
I’m being too pessimistic. Certainly all of your suggestions. I think the focus should not necessarily be on discouraging the behavior of the bullies, but instead on bolstering those most vulnerable to being bullied. I certainly could have used some mental support when I was bullied by a former boss a few years ago, but I didn’t even have health insurance at the time.
Ah yes, I think the continual positive rewards that many bullies reap also then changes their internal perception of their external behavior from bullying to adjectives like "confident" or "no bullshit." A lot of societal cues romanticize the bully as someone who's "soft at heart," as if dealing with your problems this way is somehow okay IF you have some other redeeming factors.
I definitely agree that focusing on those impacted by bullying is the better way to really get to the root of the issue vs. trying to sway bullies (who are probably already in power, and committed to not seeing their own behavior as problematic). Have you heard of Better Brave (https://www.betterbrave.org)? Curious to hear if you think orgs like that are going down the right path in terms of supporting the bullied.
Thanks for this! I had never heard of it. I think anything that attempts to offer support to those who are in need of support is going down the right path.
One last insight before I exhaust your comment section. Have you ever come across Maslow's hierarchy of needs? I was doing some reading this morning on motivation, trying to figure out where all of mine went.
Imagine a pyramid of human motivation. At the base are the most basic of human needs (food, water, safety, sex); at the top are higher order needs (self-esteem, self-actualization). If lower order "deficiency needs" are not met, it is very difficult–impossible even–to direct motivation toward higher order needs.
Why do bullies bully? They do so out of fear and insecurity. Why are certain people more vulnerable to bullying than others? Likely because they seem more fearful and insecure. In this sense, we see that bullies and those who are bullied both exist within the same realm. Their most basic needs are not being met by the social system in which they exist.
That this exists in hospitality is both ironic and not at all surprising. Ironic because here we are, fulfilling those most basic needs for other people (food, drink), often at the expense of our own.
Yes, this is such a great transformative justice approach to understanding bullying! How can we better recognize what bullies also feel are lacking and address those as a way to get to the real root of the problem? Your point about how we fulfill needs for others at the expense of our own is really salient - the way our working society is structured at the moment very much rewards this kind of tradeoff until you reach a certain "tier" in socioeconomic status, which is fundamentally problematic, and reinforces itself through ideas around "worthiness."
And yes, Maslow! His work has absolutely been very important in understanding human development but also, there's some excellent critique/additional analysis of the inspiration behind his pyramid here: https://gatherfor.medium.com/maslow-got-it-wrong-ae45d6217a8c
Thank you so much for this excellent convo in the comments!!
Such a great article. Thank you so much for getting me thinking about this. I just sat here for ages with my cursor blinking, thinking. It's good though to be thinking about something other than myself.
Thanks for such a thought provoking post. I think there is an additional layer to bullying behavior as well—trauma and past stressors.
I haven’t worked in the service industry for a long time, but vividly remember being on the receiving end of bullying behavior from a school mate. While it was true the power dynamic (patron v server, $$ v not even having a pizza to my name) played a role, I quickly realized the behavior was modeled/inherited from his douchebag of a father. The family attempted to make me feel small, threatened my job. Would have been a horrible experience if not for the bong hit before work.
Years later, after this schoolmate and i went to the same college, became friends, and are now constantly in each other’s lives, we discussed his grotesque behavior in his youth. Home life was bad and that was the only way he knew how to deal with people at that stage. It lead to a warped understanding of the world—one where a nonsensical (and nonexistent) power struggle existed.
He’s a good person now and fosters too many puppies.
Thank you so much for sharing this Laurance. I definitely agree past traumas / stressors have a big impact on bullying behavior (esp. how the specific behavior tends to pan out during the event of bullying)! It's so unfortunate your friend had this (real or imagined) threat of 'not being in power' hanging over him - I wonder how/when/where his father inherited this warped sense of the world too. It's great to hear that the cycle doesn't have to continue with him though, and he's been able to move beyond that insecurity to have a big heart (and fill it with dogs, the best animals!!!)
Upon first glance at this on IG, I was thinking of bullying as it pertains to the BOH hierarchy. But I suppose the patrons themselves are those with the ultimate authority. What can be done to equalize the power balance between the server and the one being served? In the hospitality industry building tips into the salary, taking away the authority of the patron to determine how much they think the server deserves.
Bullying is an inevitable part of human nature, and thrives in systems that favor power imbalance and hierarchy. We built these systems to fight the tendency towards chaos and disorder, and without them, society would indeed be chaos. I think within every being is an internal angst, a need to control something. My god, we had no control over our own birth. We didn't elect to live, to suffer, to die. So we control what is within our power to control. None of us elected our own destiny. Making others miserable is a way to deal with our own misery, the true powerlessness of being.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment Hannah! I think the implicit acceptance of bullying in hospitality is something that also needs to be remedied through improved employee training (esp. employee empowerment), better conflict mediation in the workplace, and changing how we market the draw of hospitality beyond "it's a place where I get to be king for a while."
I really agree with your comment about our innate need to feel some sort of control (and responding to that via bullying). In that sense, what do you think we could do about that internal incentive to bully? Improved mental health classes? Free therapy? (Personally, I think therapy has gotten me to recognize a lot of the ugly bullying I've done.)
That’s such a tough question. Bullying is a display of dominance. It may be an internal incentive, as you put it, but it’s a very external reaction. I think the higher up a person is within a hierarchical system, the more likely they are to be a bully. Not just because they have more power, but because they are the ones who naturally assume control over others. (I know this isn’t always the case.) I think the worst bullying likely comes from those who are so blind to their own behavior that no amount of therapy could help them.
I’m being too pessimistic. Certainly all of your suggestions. I think the focus should not necessarily be on discouraging the behavior of the bullies, but instead on bolstering those most vulnerable to being bullied. I certainly could have used some mental support when I was bullied by a former boss a few years ago, but I didn’t even have health insurance at the time.
Ah yes, I think the continual positive rewards that many bullies reap also then changes their internal perception of their external behavior from bullying to adjectives like "confident" or "no bullshit." A lot of societal cues romanticize the bully as someone who's "soft at heart," as if dealing with your problems this way is somehow okay IF you have some other redeeming factors.
I definitely agree that focusing on those impacted by bullying is the better way to really get to the root of the issue vs. trying to sway bullies (who are probably already in power, and committed to not seeing their own behavior as problematic). Have you heard of Better Brave (https://www.betterbrave.org)? Curious to hear if you think orgs like that are going down the right path in terms of supporting the bullied.
Thanks for this! I had never heard of it. I think anything that attempts to offer support to those who are in need of support is going down the right path.
One last insight before I exhaust your comment section. Have you ever come across Maslow's hierarchy of needs? I was doing some reading this morning on motivation, trying to figure out where all of mine went.
Imagine a pyramid of human motivation. At the base are the most basic of human needs (food, water, safety, sex); at the top are higher order needs (self-esteem, self-actualization). If lower order "deficiency needs" are not met, it is very difficult–impossible even–to direct motivation toward higher order needs.
Why do bullies bully? They do so out of fear and insecurity. Why are certain people more vulnerable to bullying than others? Likely because they seem more fearful and insecure. In this sense, we see that bullies and those who are bullied both exist within the same realm. Their most basic needs are not being met by the social system in which they exist.
That this exists in hospitality is both ironic and not at all surprising. Ironic because here we are, fulfilling those most basic needs for other people (food, drink), often at the expense of our own.
Yes, this is such a great transformative justice approach to understanding bullying! How can we better recognize what bullies also feel are lacking and address those as a way to get to the real root of the problem? Your point about how we fulfill needs for others at the expense of our own is really salient - the way our working society is structured at the moment very much rewards this kind of tradeoff until you reach a certain "tier" in socioeconomic status, which is fundamentally problematic, and reinforces itself through ideas around "worthiness."
And yes, Maslow! His work has absolutely been very important in understanding human development but also, there's some excellent critique/additional analysis of the inspiration behind his pyramid here: https://gatherfor.medium.com/maslow-got-it-wrong-ae45d6217a8c
Thank you so much for this excellent convo in the comments!!
Such a great article. Thank you so much for getting me thinking about this. I just sat here for ages with my cursor blinking, thinking. It's good though to be thinking about something other than myself.