Two weeks ago, amidst the chaos of graduating from Harvard (see more on that here), Studio ATAO turned 5.
If you know me IRL, you probably know I’m allergic to celebrating any of my accomplishments. (Psychoanalysis? It feels scary and vulnerable to admit I really want something. So much easier to pass off achievements I’ve worked for with a shrug 🫠)
This particular milestone, however, felt a little different. It wasn’t about congratulating myself, but rather about giving gratitude to the team of people that have built this little organization with me, metaphorical brick by brick, with tools we’d never used before and a map we’d never been allowed to follow out in the “real” world. It’s been the kind of adventure that reminded me life really could be what we collectively dream up.
To honor the occasion, I wrote a little something for our newsletter that I am quite proud of and wanted to share with all of you here. It also serves as the announcement of our Mid-Year Fundraise — we’re hoping to raise $55,555 to celebrate 5 years — so if you’re able to contribute, that’s deeply appreciated as well.
🥹 5 Lessons From 5 Years of Growing With Studio ATAO
What a surreal title to write. When Studio ATAO hosted its very first event, Asian in America, at the Museum of Food & Drink in New York City, I was just shy of 28. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I’d never had a real mentor in my career, or even a good boss. Starting from my first job at the college newspaper, I was taught toxicity, hierarchy, passive aggression, and extraction. Even though I wanted change, I didn’t know how to create something different when I’d never seen caring, nurturing adult working relationships modeled for me.
I spent a lot of time looking for guidance externally. I read a lot of books, like Quiet, Art of War, and Principles. While those pursuits were fruitful (Quiet remains one of the most important books I’ve read), it wasn’t the work necessary to build something I felt deeply in my heart but never experienced. That, I’ve since learned, is deceptively simple:
❤️🩹 I needed to heal myself so I could show up for others.
To me, Studio ATAO is a lot more than just my nonprofit baby. It is a space where I’ve been able to heal my inner child by developing the relationships that I didn’t think were possible, that I once didn’t believe I deserved.
It is the practice of finding power in saying, “I care about this, and that is enough for it to matter.”
It is an active rejection that I and others need to prove our worth in order to love and be loved.
It is imperfection, and thus celebration, of our whole selves — mind, body, and spirit — dreaming outside the limits of what we know.
As I step into the immense privilege of Year Five with this organization, I’m sharing a few learnings that have made this journey worthwhile.
1. Surround yourself with people willing to dream with you.
We are conditioned to think small and copy what we can see. For too long, I allowed myself to be drowned out by those who only knew love as “protecting” me from the potential downfalls of trying out something new.
🤔 Ask yourself: Does your inner circle have the capacity to imagine the world you want to build? Are they fluent enough in the language of your dreams to transport you there?
2. “Conflict is the spirit of a relationship asking itself to deepen.”
This quote by Malidoma Somé has taken on many forms for me: When I am in conflict with myself, I've learned that I’m ignoring something I already know. When I am in conflict with my work at the Studio, it means our efforts have drifted away from the collective vision. When I am in conflict with others, I’ve found there is something unhealed we each need to address.
🧭 Accepting conflict as a teacher required me to see myself more clearly, recognize when I was (or was not) mature enough to navigate through conflict with others, and stop throwing away relationships to appease my own ego. Ultimately, social justice work is relational work. I've learned to go gently.
3. Playfulness is a radical way to engage with the world.
Playing is an act; playfulness is a state of mind. Even in the most nerve-wracking or painful of scenarios, playfulness is an option — but it takes a lot of practice to move beyond our protective instincts of avoidance, dismissal, or anger to engage with challenges as opportunities for creativity and connection.
🛝 Earlier this year, in the face of massive financial uncertainty for the Studio, I saw our team come together in a state of playfulness to find new solutions. Their joy helped me resolve feelings of deep shame, where little can grow. Instead, we filled a well of imagination from which came the idea of celebrating Interdependence Day on July 5!
4. Be aware of who you are performing for.
I lost so many years of internal growth and processing, attempting to perform what others were socialized to see as “leadership.” It was admittedly easier to follow the toxic status quo of aggression, retaliation, and dissociation (“keep your personal life separate!”) instead of leaning into my own values. As a result, my body absorbed that psychic tension, manifesting self-hate through anger, stress, and physical pain.
🌱 I'm still learning to stop contorting myself smaller, and instead seek my embodied knowledge as a guide. Instead of wondering, “Do others see me the way I want to be seen?” I’ve shifted my perspective to, “Am I showing up in a way that’s true to me?”
5. What you water will grow.
Activist Adrienne Maree Brown writes in Emergent Strategy,
“Where you direct your attention, you place your energy. Emotion follows attention. Attention follows intention. Intention determines outcome. And attention is the basis of all human and organic life. What you pay attention to grows.”
Once I began to pay attention to what I needed, my relationships changed accordingly. Those that did not nourish me faded away; those that did flourished as I invested even more into cultivating them.
🤔 Ask yourself: Who and what are the seeds you “water” daily with your attention, love, and care? Are these reciprocal relationships? What are you choosing not to invest in as a result?
Recent Meme Roundup
Personal Stuff from the Week
Listening to: Space Jesus, a new find (for me)!
Watching: The Work and wow did I just bawl for 90 minutes straight
Reading: All of Jaya Saxena’s work (she recently held an AMA on Studio ATAO’s Discord!)
Eating: All the last things from Boston I can fit in my stomach — some recent highlights were sandwiches from Dave’s Fresh Pasta, Yume Ga Arukawa, and Vinal Bakery. For my graduation dinner, we all went to Pagu for an absolutely spectacular meal!
Drinking: Joey, my new replacement for MUDWTR.
Nice thing I did for myself this week: Slept in until 10am, baby!!!